Sunday, August 11, 2013

An update

I sit in a room in Scotland, thousands of miles from home, realizing I only blog when I am experiencing hard times in life. Why do I choose to document my heartbreak, but leave no reminder of the happy times in my life? Are these not the moments I want to remember? 

A is back in my life. At the time of my last post, I was convinced it was over permanently. He flew back into town for the summer and messaged me a few days later. I was going to hold my ground. I was going to maintain space between us. The moment I saw him my heart burst. I love him. I have loved him since the moment I met him, and I never want to be without him. 

To sum things up, our relationship has changed greatly. We are strong and we are happy together. We learned how much we mean to each other and now can strive to maintain a healthy relationship we both feel fulfilled in.  He loves me in the way I have always dreamed of, and I am the luckiest girl in the world. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

The hardest part is figuring out what was real

We weren't together for a tremendously long period of time, but the quality of the relationship I experienced while we were together made it feel like we had been together for a very long time. He always told me that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me.

When his parents intervened on us moving in together, he told me not to worry, because he believed that we could make it through anything. As it turns out, I guess he no longer believes that. All I wish was that I had the opportunity to show him that we can make it through anything together. I don't want this to sound like post break up, whiny, desperation, because that's not what this is. Time will be the one to tell us where our relationship is going to go, and we will have to wait it out and be patient. I felt like we really worked together, I was constantly happy, even when times were tough.

Now that he is telling me that he is trying to move on, I am nothing but confused. He's given me his reasons for our breakup multiple times, he doesn't want a girlfriend, doesn't want a physical relationship and doesn't want the stress of the future.

The problem is, from my point of view, these reasons are ones that could be easily fixed, with the exception of the not wanting a girlfriend. I always thought our relationship had for both of us made our lives less stressful. I was always more peaceful and calm when we were together. Knowing that he was only a text message away ready to help me if I needed him was the biggest relief in my life. Before our relationship I couldn't sleep in the dark. At 19 years old, I was unable to conquer the stress of sleeping in my bedroom basement, alone, in the dark. Even before we were dating, when we were starting to come together, the fear and the stress began to leave me. He made my world a much brighter place, as cliche and bad romantic comedy as that sounds.

If having a physical relationship was truly something that he didn't want, really, truly, wasn't comfortable with, all he had to do was tell  me, and that would have been all I needed to control myself.   I fell in love with him way before sex was ever a part of our relationship, and if not having sex was what he wanted, then it was not a part of our relationship that was needed, as long as we could still kiss and be intimate with each other in different ways. This particular reason came as a huge shock to me, seeing as it had never been mentioned before, and if it had been it could have been easily resolved. It was often him who initiated sex, would send me suggestive text messages, and would suggest we have Skype over the course of our long distance relationship. He had often asked me to get naked on webcam. This was obviously something that pleased him at the time. We had had sex the night before we broke up, he had been the one to suggest it. If I knew this was a concern, we could fix it.

I feel like he is just scared that we got too serious too quickly. Which is true, we got too serious too quickly. He proposed the idea of us living together after we had been dating for two weeks, and we found a place after only 5 months. At our age this was a terrifying pace to move at. I knew we could do, I knew that it was something we could handle. For him, I understand that this probably freaked him out so much, and put a tremendous amount of pressure on him. I never wanted to be the type of live in girlfriend who was controlling. Actually, I never want to be any type of girlfriend who is considered controlling. I want him to be able to go out freely with his friends without feeling guilty. I made some mistakes looking back. When he first told me he may want to travel to Germany, and wouldn't be keeping contact with me often because he only wanted me to speak German, I was always okay with him wanting to go. I want him to follow his dreams. It was the lack of contact with me that bothered me. It is hard to maintain a relationship without any communication. But now, with no relationship, I would give anything to have him be my boyfriend and take off to Europe from 6 months if it meant after the 6 months he was coming back to me. He also brought up a time where I had mentioned that I would be uncomfortable with him making weekend visits to his female friends house a few hours away. The previous summer, he had gone to visit her quite a few times, and it had been really hard on me, and those feelings were coming back up. After his parents wouldn't let us live together, I suggested he live with her. I trust him, I love him. He had told me we were invited up to the farm to go horseback riding and stay for the weekend and at the time I had told him yes, that sounds awesome. When he was breaking up with me, he told me that I had said no to this. And that he was upset I wouldn't let him go visit. If I was going to let him live with this girl next year, why wouldn't I be okay with it. I had obviously worked through any insecurities that had existed.

He had talked marriage, kids, and the future freely on his own will. This made it okay for me to want to talk about it. He had told me he loved that I was willing to talk about a future. I thought he was my future. He had told me many, many times how in love with me his was, saved messages on my phone and many emotional nights spent together proved that to me. Just 2 days before our breakup he was slow dancing with me, looking into my eyes and telling me how much he loved me. Now that it is over, he says he doesn't know what love is.

I just want to be the one to show him what being in love really means.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

At one point we had an end date, and now we just have an end.

I feel like this is something I need to write down, something I need to remember, so that weeks, days, down the line I don't misconstrue any of the facts I remember, I don't start changing the story in my head, and I remember exactly how I am feeling right now for the future. While this is obviously being drawn from memory, some conversations will be paraphrased and may not use exact words, just due to lack of complete memory, but will be what I remember to the best of my abilities. Bear in mind that this is exclusively my side of the story and is a quite biased recounting, and as such things that were done by my boyfriend may have been done with completely good intentions from him. These are strictly my feelings on the matter.

It's over. 

On Saturday, February 23, I was the happiest girl in the entire world. I woke up early in the morning, did my hair, did my makeup, and for once it wasn't the usual morning routine. It was for him. He always told me he loved it when I was all done up, so this particular morning I put all my effort into it, I made it extra special. I finished packing my bags, and with the nervous, burning feeling in my stomach, I loaded my suitcase into the back of the car, my carry-on Michael Kors tote in hand. I arrived at the airport, checked in, went through security and soon enough I was on a plane, thankfully my flight was not delayed as it had been last time. We we're so excited to see each other, he was texting me and telling me that he loved me and he couldn't wait to see me. My plane finally touches down in his city. My legs are weak, my stomach more butterfly-filled than ever before. I'm here. I quickly dart into the bathroom, check my makeup, straighten up, and spray on a final spritz of perfume. I walk to the baggage area where he is waiting to meet me.

My eyes finally find him, and I am filled with a rush of happiness so giant I am overwhelmed. I run to him and throw my arms around him and kiss him again for the first time in too long. I missed his kisses. We walk over to the baggage area to collect my bag. I can't get over how good he looks. He is wearing his new glasses and has his peacoat and scarf on. He has never looked more handsome to me, especially with the little bit of scruff on his perfect jawline. We grab my bags and head out to find our ride. On the way back to his place, we hold hands in the car, talk to each other and he even sends me a very sexually driven text message about what he wants when he gets home. I can't wait to give him exactly what he wants. 

We get to his house, he carries my bag upstairs for me, and we head to his room. We lie together and kiss, I love the way he kisses me, I always have and I never want it to stop. Finally it progresses and we   are making love. He gets me there, he always does and I love him for it. I pull myself together and he questions if I am hungry or not. I didn't have time to eat before I got on the plane, so I am absolutely famished. We start to cook together, he is cooking the ground beef for the pasta sauce while I chop vegetables. I love cooking with him, he is such a good cook and he makes me adventurous when it comes to trying new things. The pasta is finally done and he grabs two wine glasses and a bottle of wine for us to share. I love when he does romantic things like this. After dinner we abandon the kitchen and head back to his bedroom. Candles are lit and I'm encouraged to drink more wine to, well, ease the pain.  He likes to be rough when we have sex, to leave bruises, and this time we want to go to a place we never have gone to together before. I trust him, I love the way he touches me and I am so excited. It is extremely painful, but I know that he would stop the moment I ask him to, so I let him continue. The bruises still linger on my body as I type. He leaves and takes a shower, and I soon join him in it. He doesn't stay in long with me, but gets out just a few minutes after I get in. I keep my hair dry and just stand under the water. I had decided to take a shower to be with him in it, so when he leaves I quickly finish up and meet him back in his room. We sit in bed together and he asks me after a while if I want dessert. We finally get out of bed and walk to the store. When we arrive home, we hang out for a while and start talking about the Oscar party we will be throwing the next night and finally we cuddle up in bed together and fall asleep. 

We wake up slightly before noon the next day and begin to plan for the party. I take a shower and blow dry my hair, and put on very basic makeup knowing that I will be going all out that night, making my man happy. We decide on a menu for the party and head out grocery shopping. I'm focused, making sure that we get everything we need to make this party perfect. He's out in the store tackling his portion of the list. I begin to thing of how these mundane tasks such as grocery shopping, or cooking, or cleaning up make me insanely happy, because I'm with him. We finish shopping and we get home and start to prepare. His room needs to be set up and food needs to be prepared and we work on tackling these tasks together. He helps me to make food and is being so perfect, he's wearing his soccer jersey, the one he wore all summer when the Euro was on. I always loved it on him, he's so incredibly handsome. As we hit the last hour before guests are due to arrive, I lock myself in the bathroom to get ready. As I finally finish myself, he asks me to help him tie his bow tie. I've never done this before and have absolutely no idea how to do this so we take to YouTube to try and figure it out. I start to get frustrated, and I will admit that when I am frustrated patience is not a possessed virtue of mine. I finally figure it out, but I know I shouldn't have acted the way I did while I was attempting to, and my sweet boy never mentions it. 

Guests are here and the party goes into motion. I meet some of his friends that I haven't met and everyone gets along really well. I've always been so glad that he has such great friends at school, people who could be there for him and make him happy, especially when I was so physically far away from him. Many of his friends are girls and for the first time with a boyfriend it doesn't matter. I trust him. I will admit at first I had my insecurities, especially during the summer and at the very beginning of our relationship, but they were quickly gotten over and replaced with nothing but happiness for him. The food is enjoyed and the Oscars are great this year! I was slightly nervous, I really wanted to make a good impression on his friends. At one point as I try to kiss him as the room empties, he says that a lot of his friends aren't the PDA type and he wants me to scale back so as not to make them uncomfortable. This is fine, I have no problem with this, but his slightly condescending tone does take me back. I become even less comfortable after that and start to really watch myself for the rest of the night. After we break up, he makes a mention of this to me, saying I was insecure (or something like that) around his friends. Well no wonder when I'm watching my every move just to make sure I don't screw up, especially with the things he as told me before about them. The party continues, he plays bartender and he is truly fabulous at it, the ever pleasing host. His many friends throughout the night had come up to me and talked to me about how highly he spoke of me, some even going into detail about the things that he had said and I thought to myself, "Wow, this boy really truly loves me." As the party winds down and it's only couples left, he transitions from bartender to DJ and beings to play old love songs. He takes me in his arms and begins to dance with me, holding me close, looking into my eyes and telling me that he is so in love with me. I fall in love with him all over again. I constantly do, he never fails to make me happy, to impress me. Finally the night winds down and he jokes about getting everyones girlfriends drunk, yet not his own. I grab the closest bottle of vodka and very heavily spike my drink and begin to chug it down. As everyone begins to leave I am so excited to have crazy, passionate sex with him. He tells me he wants me to give him a blowjob.  Okay then, I am so excited to give him the best blowjob! After he finishes, the cold that he has had for the past few days catches up with him and he begins to cough pretty heavily. I told him, albeit being rather disappointed myself, not to worry about it and we would make up for it the next day. I cuddled up beside him, and we fell asleep. 

When we woke up the next afternoon I knew that there was work to be done. He asked me to start collecting glasses while he cleaned up his room. I took all the glasses and plates that were sitting in his room to the kitchen and began to clean. He had to move things out of his roommates room and there was a couch to be brought back down from the kitchen. He had help from his roommate and I cleaned the kitchen. Yes, there definitely was work to have been done in his room, but I felt as if every time I had walked in there he was sitting at his computer. It was probably just poor timing on both of our parts, and I'm not saying he hadn't done any clean up because the room was quite obviously put back together somehow, but catching him on the off chances he wasn't working had made me feel like I was doing the majority of the work. On top of the clean up from the party, he asks me to do his laundry. I have no problem with this at all when he asks me and I get to work. I tell him I'll make him dinner, and he is asked to go into work for a little bit. I head to the grocery store by myself and he heads the opposite direction. When I finish getting groceries, I head home and start to cook dinner. His friends are in the kitchen playing video games at the table so I just work around them, using the stove as counter space, the laundry machine, anywhere I can. Finally, my love comes home and walks into the kitchen to greet me. He talks to his friends and I finish dinner and change the loads of his laundry over, I put the finished load in the basket and begin to put it away in his room and the second load goes into the dryer. 

When dinner is ready, his friends are still using the table. I am hoping after we spent all day in separate rooms cleaning and then him going to work, which although we were in the same house I feel like I haven't spent any time with him that day, we could spend a nice romantic evening together. I hand him a plate of food and he sits it down on the table beside his friends computer, and he asks his other friend to move over. He is usually super romantic at dinnertime, so this confuses me. Why hadn't he suggested we go and eat alone in his bedroom. I feel a little stressed after the day, and the heat of the kitchen isn't helping, and I begin to have a small asthma attack. I know all I need is a drink and a little fresh air. I go and sit on his bed with the window open and begin to breathe deeply. He comes in and asks me what's wrong and I tell him, and let him know that I am fine, I just need a minute. I head back to the kitchen and we finish eating. He is talking to his friends primarily through dinner, which is totally fine, they're sitting at the table so obviously he is not going to ignore them, he is going to talk to them, and anyways what kind of intimate conversation could we have had with them sitting right there? As we finish, they talk about them staying to play video games. To be fair, my boyfriend does ask me if it is okay for them to stay. I had to say yes, they were standing in the room. I didn't want to be the girl who didn't let him hang out with his friends, he had friends who were in relationships with this kind of girl and had complained to me about it. If he had asked me aside my answer would probably have been a little different, I probably still would have given in to him and said yes, but at least I could have gotten some idea of how long it would be and such. It turns out that they were playing video games in my boyfriends room, the three boys sitting on his bed. I was sitting at his desk, it was very obvious that I was not going to be included in playing with them. I was never asked if I wanted to participate so I just opened my laptop and sat there for what ended up being hours. After a while I decided to get out of the room. I went to the kitchen and cleaned it spotless once again, just something to make him happy, to show him I was putting in effort for him, and to pass the time. I finished his laundry, but as the load was mostly socks, underwear, and towels, I was unable to put it away as the boys were sitting on his bed. I made myself a very, very strong drink and went and sat back at the desk. He would smile at me or talk to me every so often, and when he put his foot on my leg I gave him a foot massage. It was getting pretty late and I knew that we had to be up very early to go to his work in the morning, so I was getting slightly irritated. They finally finished playing video games and began to pack up, but not before a full blown Nerf war took place. His friends were running in and out of the room, so I couldn't even get undressed yet. 

My back was killing from pulling it the previous day, and spending the day cleaning and cooking hunched over had definitely not helped. I got into bed and he soon joined me. I ask him to rub my back for me and he obliges, it feels great, he really helps. He asks me to scratch his back in return, and when I do so for a few minutes he requests that I massage him. I take any excuse to rub my hands over his beautiful body, so I make sure to rub him everywhere and help with some of the muscle pain he had expressed in his back, arms, and so on. I rub his entire body, even taking the time to massage his toes with my tongue, to which he tells me that he loves when I try new things. I find the entire thing extremely intimate. I have never felt this close to a person before. As I finish, he hints that wants a happy ending to his massage, and I willingly oblige. He has always been the type to make sure I'm satisfied as well, so pleasing him only means good things for me, and with him being the only one who had got any the night before I figured tonight would be my night. His cough strikes up again and he does say he will return the favour, but I don't want to make him suffer any more than his poor cough was making him. We go to sleep. 

The next day we wake up bright and early and I get out of bed and start getting dressed to go to work with him. I'm going as fast as I can when he starts to rush me. It's completely understandable, he needs to be at work on time. He is telling me that I can always meet up with him later, but I don't want to walk there by myself. I don't want to be by myself. I came here to be with him, and the only place I have left the house to go with him is to the grocery store. I throw on my coat and we are out the door, hand in hand, walking to school. When we get there, he is understandably in a rush to get to work, and I am told there's a room upstairs that I can sit it. I had to go find it myself, and thank god it was the only room that fit the description. I sat alone in the room for an hour waiting. When he is finished, he tells me to meet him in the front of the building, that he has to go to the radio room for a minute. I ask if he wants me to come with him but he says no, that he has to go talk to his boss. Okay, that's fine. I meet him at the entrance to the building and we walk down to his favourite grocery store. We pick out things for dinner and decide on where to have lunch. I genuinely did not know what I wanted, but when I saw Cora's I was pretty excited and her agreed to go with me. We had a great brunch together and we began to walk back towards the school. He had to go and do another job, so I figured I could go home, unpack the groceries and take a shower. I head home, leave the first set of bags and then walk to the other grocery store to get some more basic things he needs. This is my fifth trip to a grocery store, my most seen sight in Halifax. I get back to his place and take a shower. I know we aren't going out anywhere so I brush my hair and don't put much makeup on. 

I text him a picture of me in my underwear, letting him know what's waiting for him when he gets home. It makes me so happy to be able to text him like that and not have it be, this is whats waiting for you in two months, but it is yours the moment you walk in the door. He instead texts me back about his excitement for his lego train. I was like, fine your train, jokingly. He responds saying he's the worst and he's a jerk sometimes. I assure him he's not, even though his train comment was not the reply I had hoped for to the picture. He texts me saying that the people are taking too long to start, and when I make a comment about people sucking, he tells me that I do too, but in the good way. It made me laugh. I finally get a message saying that snuggles were inbound and the next thing I know he is in bed with me and we are fast asleep. We wake up a few hours later and I ask him if he wants to start on dinner. He plays with his train for a while and then begins to make the dough for the pizza. As we cook together, he makes a comment about the way I'm making my pizza, implying that it's not the way he wants it. I snapped something back in self defence and the next thing I know he's looking at me the way he does when he is upset over something I said. I didn't mean to hurt him, or to start a fight, so I quickly apologize and kiss him. He asks me to go and get a little bit dressed up, stating that even though I was in a dress, those were my version of sweatpants. I made sure to go all out for him. When I went to his room, my appearance didn't really get a huge response. He did say I looked pretty, and he asked that I put a cute cardigan on. Normally stuff like this doesn't bother me, but after the time we had been having I was, admittedly, feeling a little insecure. 

We grab our homemade pizza and a bottle of wine and we sit in bed together and watch the Exorcist. I can tell something is bothering him and I try to talk it out of him. He tells me that he is just stressing ove a bunch of stuff. I tell him that I am the one person in the world he can tell anything to, no judgement, and get nothing but love in return. He finally tells me that the seriousness of our relationship is too much for him, and he can't promise forever. We're 19 years old, I don't expect him to. All I ever want from him is that he commits to me for the time being, because if things changed over time then that is life. He seemed to accept this answer and he says we should have sex before we go back to the movie. He just wants quick sex, telling me that later on he'll light candles and we will really get into it. We have sex, and it's great as usual. Thank god it was. We finish the movie, talking about the theme of it, and I tell him I believe in ghosts, not the visible halloween-y type that fly around, but I do believe there can be some type of other worldy presence for sure. He makes fun of me and tells me that he would break up with me because of it. I don't find this funny. When the movie is over, he turns off the lights and gets into bed. What happened to the promise of a romantic night? Yet again, it is evident that it's not happening. 

I will admit that I was getting worried, and this was probably my downfall. Had I ignored everything going on I would probably still have my boyfriend. We were talking and next thing I know he is on the floor, fetal position. I'm scared for him. I ask him if he wants me close to him, or to give him space. He says he is having a panic attack and the floor is cooler. I open the window and have him come to the fresh air. I ask him what he needs and he tells me, "I just need you to love me."

I'm already worried at this point, and this sets me off. I do love him, I have always loved him, and at that moment I could easily say I always would love him. I start to cry. I was genuinely scared. He hadn't been his usual romantic self all week, and it wasn't just because of the settling into a relationship. I let him know I was scared and I cried and I told him I just wanted us to stay together. Finally, at 5:30 in the morning, he tells me he needs to go for a walk to get air. He has done this before so it is not super alarming to me. He tells me he's not going to have his phone on, and that is. He leaves. He turns off his phone, turns of the GPS so I don't know where he is. He texts me every so often and tells me he loves me and that he'll be back in bed with me soon. I lay in bed and cry and wait. 

Two hours later he comes home. He stands near the bed and tells me that he needs space that day, and that if I'm the girl he knows I am, that I'll respect him. This is where I freak. This is bad. He takes off, leaving me to cry in bed, my stomach ripping with pain. I'm sick, and it hasn't stopped since then. I take a shower and do my hair and makeup, hoping that when he comes back that will make him happy. He tells me he is meeting with a tutor and that he'll be home around noon. At 11:35 I get a text saying he'll be a little later. I can't reach him unless he texts me, and without his GPS I don't know if he really is where he says. I believe him because it's him. Finally at 3 o'clock I can't take it anymore. I write a note, and I leave. I needed to get out of his house. I walked to the Atlantic Ocean and I sat there thinking. I knew things were bad. I didn't know why, and I didn't know why it had all come so suddenly, but there was a terrible feeling in my heart. He finally texts me after almost 12 hours of leaving me and asks me to meet him at a Tim Hortons. I knew the moment he choose a place like that that I should probably start looking at flights home. My friend tried to assure me that things were fine. How wrong she was.

I walked to the Tim Hortons and went into the bathroom to make sure I looked okay still. He finally showed up and got right to the point.

He didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It was like a movie scene from there, he kept talking and I kept trying to pursued him that we could fix things, but he wouldn't listen. You don't want a physical relationship? That's fine, I've never loved you for sex. I don't need it. You want to go to Europe? That's fine, I'll be here waiting. It was no use, he wanted it over.

My world shattered. I held it in while we were in public but the moment I was in private I was a wreck. He, of course, had to go to work again, and I was left alone to cry and throw up. I finally get a call from my mom, who had received a call from his mom telling her that things aren't going well and I need parental guidance. She offered to pay for my flight home so I could leave. I told her I was going to try to stick it out, to see if we can make things work. I told her that he was a good person, that he wasn't mean to me, even though there were moments, they were few and far between. He finally comes home and I'm not happy with him, why would I be? I don't want him to go, I wan't him to sleep in bed with me. I want him close.

He doesn't want me, and he lets me know I can't change his mind, so I book my flight home. He sleeps on the floor and my heart shatters. The next morning I pack my things. He tells me I look pretty, and I don't know if I really did or he was just trying to make me feel better. He leaves for work, I feel like we spent such little time really being together this entire trip. He barely makes it home in time to see me off. He kisses me goodbye and makes a heart at me as I pull away. I won't see him in person for almost two months.

We were supposed to spend the summer together. We were supposed to have 5 magical months together. He promised me he would make it the best summer of my life. He was the one who suggested moving in together, who told me he seriously loved me and had talked about marriage and kids. I never would have been so serious if I knew it would have ended like this. I truly am in no rush to be on a serious road, I have so many plans for myself that all I wanted was a relationship, not anything more serious than that, and I wanted him to be my partner in things. I genuinely don't see myself with anyone else, I'm around other men and I feel nothing. As terrible as it sounds, that is not something that has happened before. I am almost repulsed at the idea of ever being with someone else.

If I had a second chance I would do so many things differently. I would go slow, as slow as he wanted. We're so young and there is no rush to do anything. I would make sure he didn't feel guilty about doing things, I want him to have fun. I just wanted to be his. That's all I ever wanted from him, and he really gave me everything I needed in a relationship. He was the best boyfriend I ever had.

He hurt me so badly, and it's even more painful coming from the boy I never thought would break my heart. I wish I hated him, I really truly do, because it would make things so much easier. He's the best guy in the world, and I really only want what is best for him, and if I'm not the best then I want him to be happy. Maybe one day fate will change it's course, but for now, I just want my best friend back.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Our place

I have less than four months until I make my first rent payment on our new apartment. This was a plan that we came up with in September. We started talking about living together after only two weeks of dating and back then I didn't know how serious he was about it. We're just two nineteen year olds who have been best friends for a long time. I've been head over heels for this boy for as long as I can remember, it is actually hard to remember a time when he hasn't been on my mind 24/7. 

He is funny, sweet, and so, so smart. He is perfect. It is the absolute best feeling in the entire world to fall in love with your best friend. It feels like it is how things are supposed to be. I get to share my life with the single person who I can truly say knows exactly who I am, no secrets, no lies. The first boyfriend that I have ever have that I have been able to give myself completely too, where I don't have to hide who I am. He lets me be myself, have my own interests, my own hobbies, and make my own decisions. He is supportive of me in all my endeavours, and just makes it very well known he wants my happiness. With every significant other I have ever had, being myself has never been good enough, or I was severely under appreciated for my qualities. Before I wasn't funny, but he gets my sense of humour. My love of nice clothes and doing my hair and makeup once made me high maintenance, he thinks I'm beautiful. I'm the luckiest girl in the entire world to have him. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

An End Date!

I seriously need to get back into the blogging habit. Well, here is a start!

My long distance relationship has an end date! On Tuesday, January 9, my boyfriend signed the lease for our apartment for next year! In 8 months we will officially go from long distance to a living together couple!

It's easy to say I am over the moon excited about this. He is my best friend in the entire world, and living with him is going to be like having the best roomate ever but with romance and stuff!

Our place is a cozy two bedroom basement apartment in Halifax, which effectively means I am picking up my entire life and moving provinces almost 2000 km away for this man, and it is the best decision I have ever made.

I plan on going back to school and getting an aesthetics license while he is in university working on his degree. He may become a doctor down the line, but my man is so smart I just want him to do whatever makes him happy, because he could be anything he set his mind to.

I'm so excited to decorate and plan a home for us, where we can finally be together.

Signing a lease after five months of dating. Terrifying? Yes. The best thing I ever could have done for myself? Most certainly.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Back On Track.

I wish I had written down the events that happened over the course of the summer as they had happened. To be able to savour every moment ing graphic detail for the rest of my life. A summer I expected to be unlike any other summer, turned out to be the best summer of my life. The type of summer you read about in books, see on television, and envision yourself having in your perfect life.

That was my summer. A summer of finding.

Before moving on, I feel as if I should close the chapter of my life that was my prior relationship. Upon the realization that the relationship that I had spent so much time trying to get out of really was just as self destructive as I knew it to be, it was extremely easy to walk away. Everything was always my fault, names always hurled at me. I was judgemental, a bitch, stuck up, materialistic in his eyes. He said I looked down upon him. I did. I knew I did. I knew we were completely wrong together, and I knew that I deserved better. Not because he was being all that he could be and I held myself higher than that, but because he didn't love me enough to return the love I had extended to him for such a long period of time.  He was nowhere close to the vision I had of the perfect man. The One. He would never have been able to be my One. Finally getting out broke the spell he had me under for such a long time, and when I walked away, I never looked back.

The summer of 2012 was a summer of epiphanies, self- actualization, and discovery. I found myself again. I became the happy, vibrant girl that I had become the ghost of. I began to go out with friends again. Carefree and willing to engage in their fun without the worry of what the repercussions would be. I began to look out for myself, to grow as a person, to pour my heart into my work, to focus on getting healthier. I found all that had been previously buried in an attempt to hold on to the person I thought I loved. I realized that love doesn't ask you to change. Love wants you exactly the way you are. Summer was when, for the very first time in my entire life, I fully understood what love meant, and I fell hopelessly, deeply into it.

Whether he is fully aware of it or not, this boy, my best friend, changed my life. He has made me happier than I have ever been in my entire life on a daily basis. From the day that we met, I knew that there was something about him,  he was different, he was special, and he was my friend. And he stayed my friend over the remaining course of high school until the 12th grade, when he sat beside me in an arts class. For the first time I realized, holy shit, this is the most amazing man in the entire world. My heart would skip a beat when he would smile at me, I'd hang on his every word. He was charming, witty and insanely smart. I was hooked. I had a feeling that he could make me happy for the rest of my life. We remained extremely close over the summer after high school, hanging out together in the summer, talking and going for drives. And then September came.

And he moved across the country. And my heart broke more than it should have.

Surprisingly enough, our time apart brought us even closer together and I began to fall more and more in love. When we had our high school graduation in October, he flew home for the ceremony.

We hung out in the days following, and one day was spent watching a movie in his basement. A movie filled with stolen glances and the knowledge that all I wanted to do was kiss this man. My best friend. And we talked about it, he was scared it would ruin our friendship. I assured him it wouldn't. And he kissed me. He kissed me like I've never been kissed before in my life. The butterflies, the sparks, everything they tell you about in the movies. It was all there in a way I had never experienced before. And I knew I was done for.

He went back to school and I went back to my doomed relationship.

A while went by, and I ended things with my then boyfriend, Ryan, hoping to have some time to myself and rekindle with my friend when he came home from school for Christmas. But when he came home, he was no longer single, and had a girlfriend. I had to have respect for him and kept my distance romantically. I went back to my boyfriend. We hung out all the time, and even went on the most romantic "date" I had had in a while to a nice restaurant. I spent New Year's Eve with Ryan, but had been invited over to my best friend's by his mother for a family dinner before he went back to school. Ryan spent the morning when I woke up telling me that if I went, it was over. I went. Fuck him.

The day was spent with my best friend consoling me, being there for me, further proving to me that this is the man I want to be with.

He went back to his school, back to his girlfriend, and after a few weeks I went back to my boyfriend, settling. I fell more and more in love with my best friend. I resented Ryan and tried time and time again to get him to understand that it was over and I wanted out. And at the end of April it was done. For good.

That was the start of Summer of 2012, what would easily become the best summer of my life so far.