Monday, October 22, 2012

Back On Track.

I wish I had written down the events that happened over the course of the summer as they had happened. To be able to savour every moment ing graphic detail for the rest of my life. A summer I expected to be unlike any other summer, turned out to be the best summer of my life. The type of summer you read about in books, see on television, and envision yourself having in your perfect life.

That was my summer. A summer of finding.

Before moving on, I feel as if I should close the chapter of my life that was my prior relationship. Upon the realization that the relationship that I had spent so much time trying to get out of really was just as self destructive as I knew it to be, it was extremely easy to walk away. Everything was always my fault, names always hurled at me. I was judgemental, a bitch, stuck up, materialistic in his eyes. He said I looked down upon him. I did. I knew I did. I knew we were completely wrong together, and I knew that I deserved better. Not because he was being all that he could be and I held myself higher than that, but because he didn't love me enough to return the love I had extended to him for such a long period of time.  He was nowhere close to the vision I had of the perfect man. The One. He would never have been able to be my One. Finally getting out broke the spell he had me under for such a long time, and when I walked away, I never looked back.

The summer of 2012 was a summer of epiphanies, self- actualization, and discovery. I found myself again. I became the happy, vibrant girl that I had become the ghost of. I began to go out with friends again. Carefree and willing to engage in their fun without the worry of what the repercussions would be. I began to look out for myself, to grow as a person, to pour my heart into my work, to focus on getting healthier. I found all that had been previously buried in an attempt to hold on to the person I thought I loved. I realized that love doesn't ask you to change. Love wants you exactly the way you are. Summer was when, for the very first time in my entire life, I fully understood what love meant, and I fell hopelessly, deeply into it.

Whether he is fully aware of it or not, this boy, my best friend, changed my life. He has made me happier than I have ever been in my entire life on a daily basis. From the day that we met, I knew that there was something about him,  he was different, he was special, and he was my friend. And he stayed my friend over the remaining course of high school until the 12th grade, when he sat beside me in an arts class. For the first time I realized, holy shit, this is the most amazing man in the entire world. My heart would skip a beat when he would smile at me, I'd hang on his every word. He was charming, witty and insanely smart. I was hooked. I had a feeling that he could make me happy for the rest of my life. We remained extremely close over the summer after high school, hanging out together in the summer, talking and going for drives. And then September came.

And he moved across the country. And my heart broke more than it should have.

Surprisingly enough, our time apart brought us even closer together and I began to fall more and more in love. When we had our high school graduation in October, he flew home for the ceremony.

We hung out in the days following, and one day was spent watching a movie in his basement. A movie filled with stolen glances and the knowledge that all I wanted to do was kiss this man. My best friend. And we talked about it, he was scared it would ruin our friendship. I assured him it wouldn't. And he kissed me. He kissed me like I've never been kissed before in my life. The butterflies, the sparks, everything they tell you about in the movies. It was all there in a way I had never experienced before. And I knew I was done for.

He went back to school and I went back to my doomed relationship.

A while went by, and I ended things with my then boyfriend, Ryan, hoping to have some time to myself and rekindle with my friend when he came home from school for Christmas. But when he came home, he was no longer single, and had a girlfriend. I had to have respect for him and kept my distance romantically. I went back to my boyfriend. We hung out all the time, and even went on the most romantic "date" I had had in a while to a nice restaurant. I spent New Year's Eve with Ryan, but had been invited over to my best friend's by his mother for a family dinner before he went back to school. Ryan spent the morning when I woke up telling me that if I went, it was over. I went. Fuck him.

The day was spent with my best friend consoling me, being there for me, further proving to me that this is the man I want to be with.

He went back to his school, back to his girlfriend, and after a few weeks I went back to my boyfriend, settling. I fell more and more in love with my best friend. I resented Ryan and tried time and time again to get him to understand that it was over and I wanted out. And at the end of April it was done. For good.

That was the start of Summer of 2012, what would easily become the best summer of my life so far.

1 comment:

  1. We seem to have found some great guys. My relationship was four and a half years and I spent the last half of it pretty miserable. I get the feeling.